All morning I’ve been struggling to figure out something to write on here. SOMETHING, Anything that might be worth your time. I wrote the date on my calendar and all of last week I saw it approaching and thought of all sorts of witty, amusing things to say but those have seemed to escape me and out of all the thoughts running through my head none of them seem worth sharing because they feel incomplete or lacking definition or even direction. (ß Longest sentence ever, but I didn’t major in English, only minor) But alas, I’ll share some anyways in hope that maybe you will make some sense of their dicombobulatedness.
The over arching theme in my heart this morning is hurt, but not a bad hurt. I hurt for the people in my life that don’t know Christ. I think about the times that I’ve asked for this and prayed that the Lord would reveal a deeper understanding of the hurt He feels when he watches his children who have gone astray. I know that any hurt I feel has to be miniscule in comparison to His and yet now that I feel even a little bit of it, I feel weak, fatigued, and a bit overwhelmed. It is as if I’ve bit off more than I can chew, as if He gave me more than I can handle. I’m tempted to ignore the hurt and the fact that there are people in my life who need Him but annoyingly and persistently (can I say that about scripture?) I keep remembering “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (1 Cor 10:13)” I’m well aware that the context of this verse isn’t necessarily applied well but nevertheless I can’t get it out of my head and I can’t help but think that there is a reason for that.
The other thing that is making me hurt is my sin and the sin of my friends who claim Christ. I’ve been recently pained by watching friends hurt friends, and friends holding bitterness and sadness, and myself and others being deliberately disobedient to a loving God. I woke up Sunday feeling guilty and heavy in regards to these things. In my head I was mulling over decisions that I’ve made recently. It makes me feel physically sick to think that there have been times recently that when I’ve been faced with a moral dilemma and I’ve deliberately decided to choose what is wrong. As I was sitting in the car mulling all this over on the 4.5 hour drive I looked over at Nathan who was smiling. Annoyed, I asked “why are you smirking?” (Ridiculously thinking that he could see my anguish and was enjoying it) and he said, “I’m not smirking, I’m smiling.” So I said, “and why are you smiling?” and in a matter of fact tone he said, “because of what you’re whistling.” At this point I wasn’t aware that I was whistling because I do it a lot when I’m bored/thinking/working… and so I listened and it was Great is thy faithfulness the hymn. I smiled and almost instantly the verses from Lam. 3 popped into my head ever so conveniently. “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” I wrestled with it all day, and again this morning, and the entire time that hymn has been in my head no matter how hard I tried to replace it with annoying rap songs.
I see that there is a theme here and in my head I know that He is faithful, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is that He wants me to apply it to. So I suppose I’ll wrestle some more, and as long as the theme remains at my forefront, I can’t help but hope that the outcome will be bearable at the least.
Lastly, I’ve been gifted by way of grooveshark some tunes with lyrics that have pointed me in a direction of gratitude. Love and miss you.
“Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Shane and Shane “Embracing Accusation”
I need thee every hour most gracious Lord
no tender voice like thine can peace afford
I need Thee O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee O bless me now my Savior
I come to Thee
I need Thee every hour stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh
Jadon Lavik “I Need Thee”
Deliver me from my prideful mind
It weighs heavier on me all the time
What a silent, yet, such a deadly crime
To think that I own my own life
So humble me just like You did
The king who lost his mind in the wilderness
And don’t let me go back
Until I confess
You are the only God
Bethany Dillon “Deliver Me”